Well, record.
I feel like my time has come to finally state my thoughts about what has been going on recently.
Things were extremely overwhelming for me to a point where i was escaping from my own thoughts, so i was refusing to come and write everything with their own essence.
I know why i didn’t wanna do that. Deep inside, i know when i write my thoughts i will eventually realize the true meaning or intention that is lying down under my thoughts and i was afraid to see something that i might not like. C’mon, it happens to best of us at times.
Anyhow, now i am refusing the idea of letting things spiral in my head over and over again, and as the worst outcome, prevent me to do what i am responsible of doing in the current time.
I am struggling, a lot, to stay in the present, and acknowledge situations, and decide what is good for me and.. all that nonsense, u got the idea. The thing is that, and it hurts me the most, as if i was aware of what i was doing and did something to prevent it, i could’ve had a much better life than this.
When i think about this, it just breaks my heart and makes me become angry and disappointed and pitiful against myself, because i couldn’t protect myself from happening this to me. I literally could’ve done anything at this point, to not give decisions to mess up my life at least this much.
Like i feel like, especially with my reaction to last few days of my life, has just been crazy and i don’t actually even wanna talk about any of this, but i have to.. If i want a way out of this, i need to talk about it.
As we all know, recently i have been struggling to identify my feelings for a certain human being. And this human being is literally doing everything in his power to show himself to me, and indeed i know i see him, however i cannot really explain the chaos going inside my head and my heart to him in a way that he understands.
I tried though, i tried so many ways and words and expressions that i think is the closest way of putting it into reality, but i don’t think that he really understands it.
It is not to say that it’s his fault. By any means, i do very much think, and know that he doesn’t mean any harm or any bad thing to me. I was already guessing that he might not be able to understand it, but i wasn’t expecting the certain level of it— I mean, with my friends, i know who can understand what between my friends, and i know that no one can never understand what i mean fully, neither can i understand them fully. We are just all different.
This is how every human being is built. But, u just know it inside your heart that some people are just— they have this special way of doing things that makes you feel like even though they dont fully get you, they are with you and they try their best to understand you and make you feel like you are heard and validated and everything is actually okay.
In the case of him, i know he is trying to have empathy towards me, understand me, know what im talking about.. And he somehow gets it, he really does.. But the way he interprets it is in a way that kinda makes me feel as if he is not really listening to me.
As if to say that yeah, i see you, i feel you, but its okay, it will be fine. Well yeah, ofc it does sound nice right now, but somewhere inside, there is this one little tiny voice that is telling me that, yeah he says this but he fail to actually do things that would help me with it..
Like, i dont know if i can explain myself clearly right now, but it is so.. fucking.. hard.. to come into terms with this fact and move on as if we understand each other perfectly and everything is fine as long as we have each other by our side.
Sometimes, no. Some things are not okay and they will not be okay for a while, and maybe they will never be okay until the end. At least that’s how i feel about certain aspects of life. However, when someone comes up to me and says no, it is alright, it wont effect you that much, u’ll get through it—
OMG. In these moments, whatever the condition is, i just want it to fucking last forever, no matter how fucked up it is. Even, yeah, it is hurting me so much that i have this thing inside me and i want it to go away, i suddenly don’t want it to go anymore because the person tells me like that.
I dont want him to pretend to understand when he doesnt, or i dont want him to underestimate it or wash it away like its nothing. Ofc, he didnt try to wash away anything but when i told him this, it felt as if he cannot really grasp the feeling, as i said before.
Or even if he does, he is not really aware of the impact it has on my life. And believe me, if i am telling him this, is because i had this fucked up experience i had before related to this and i dont really want it to happen again, especially when the matter of the topic is him, because i value him so much in my life.
But, yeah. It just not what happened in reality. I just swallowed my words, because i didn’t know what else to say after all these things.. I just felt stuck, so stuck.. Like a deer that its leg is broken on a snowy evening, dont know what to do, and in pain… Stuck in wilderness, nowhere to go, no one to see or hear me..
I cried that day, before our talk. I was crying for the whole time actually. I had this feeling of squeeze in my heart, felt like hurt and stuck and eternity. All the things i have ever done wrong in my life, all the bad things that ever happened before, all the things i regret and hesitated so much that i couldn’t do anything.
I sat down on my chair, looking at the computer screen, and out of nowhere i just teared up. Then couldn’t hold the upcoming tears and the feelings thereafter.
I hate someone seeing me cry. I hate it so much that often times i feel like crying, i just don’t because i dont want anyone reacting to my emotions. Then i dont want me to react to their reaction with exhaustion and anger, where i am already in pain and loss..
Because i think like this, i feel like an imposter crying in front of my friends, even with my closest friend i feel like this. But again, it is not their fault, i am the problem.
But that day, i was just hurting so much that i didnt even realize i let my feelings out. My closest friend was with me. She just held me, and said crying is okay, J.. Let it out.. I continued on and off, sobbing, calming down, then sobbing again, then calming down once more..
I dunno how many minutes have passed, i finally said to her i don’t really feel good girl, she was caressing my hair, i know girl, its okay. i am here, take your time, i am here, going nowhere. i am with you. always.
You know girls, i started to sob more, but this time it was out of relaxation, it was the feeling i felt i know i am so lucky that God sent her to me.. I genuienly have no clue if i didn’t have her in my life, especially at this stage where everything is clashed into each other and i cannot see anything clear and i just don’t know what the hell is going on with life overall.
It’s that kind of a period for me, seriously, that i cannot put my mind around anything. Like i am daydreaming for a long time, and this is not real, any of this is just nothing but a mere faint dream. When i wake up, i wont remember a thing.. I dont know if its upsetting or happy.. But u understand me..
Yeah, i wish i can tell literally to anyone that think i dont know shit about life, or i dont understand human feelings, or i am making things only complicated, or i am afraid to live my life or i am a chicken for not taking any risks in my life etc. What more do you expect me to do, bitch? My e v e r y s i n g l e d a y is an unknown and everyday i feel like i am falling into a dark well and i dont know if i will survive or no.. How can you say that i dont know shit about life??
Why dont you trust me when i say i think i will lose myself if it goes further than this, i already did— a little bit? What more do you want more from me? If u care abt me so much, wouldn’t you be doing stuff that would actually help me instead of make me feel like a piece of shit because i broke your heart? What is this thing? I dont understand it AT ALL, please someone tell me how does any of this make any sense.
I cried the day after, again.. I thought abt stuff, u know. Like everything, but mostly about what is happening with him. It hurt me deeply, again.. It even hurts me now to say this because i am pretty sure he thinks that it doesn’t even effect me that much— because talking to him, i am kinda humorous, i know he is upset by my decisions, but i want to make him feel not sad regardless..
All he sees is an unserious girl, maybe. Turning everything into a joke, cannot hold a conversation without laughing about something or this and that… Ahh whatever, my words written here will not change anything, anyways. And that is some fucked up part about life, i am doing this to make me feel better, but when i realize that it wont fix anything with a magic wand, i am just disappointed in life.. Like why..
I rather be that girl, in anybody’s eyes, really. Talking serious and attempting to speak my thoughts didn’t really got me anywhere until now, so why even waste my time?? I know it wont work..
I am complicated. So much that even i cannot give an order to my own thinking and my way of life.. It is hard.. And sometimes, i just wanna disappear completely..
I am sitting now, my hands on my head thinking, why did i even start to write this loong essay that no one is even gonna read anyways? I dunno, J. Maybe, i wanted something to see with my own eyes, like a physical proof of the feelings and the situations happen in my life to prove that they are actually happening and they are real and if i stay calm, they are the situations where i can find solutions to sooner or later.
There is a saying that goes, if you ever find yourself lost in the process, remember why you started in the first place. It will show you the way. I started to get puzzled so much in my current life that i eventually reminded myself that i started this journey because i want to win.
I wanna win myself back, win my academics, win my life over and have control over myself. That is why some things are blurry to me and i am struggling so much on this topic because i am trying to make the right and the good decision that will benefit me. Making the right decisions are always hard, one way or another, to anyone. So, mean that i am struggling, it shows me that i am in the right track.
peace out, people. will continue later.
sincerely,
s.
